Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Denial. For the last 8 months, I was in that state..
4 dead end relationships... I think, 5 might be on the way...
My last one lasted for 5 years, took me the same time to fully get over him. I even buried the thought of looking for love after the years, the effort of forgetting - how pain feels like, memories of hardships that didn't pay off at the end. Then, last night I realized that I'm in one.
I was pretending that it was only for fun, no harm can be done.. Now, I'm finding out- I'm so dead wrong.
Good Earth and Parking lot at Fort Strip is where it all happened.. But before that, I was at Figaro, waiting and thinking what will be the outcome.. Thinking, how can I prove something that is claimed to be true that is not? I thought of it is as long as I have the time, time before I'll face him.. I couldn't think of any answer, expect to tell the truth.. Telling the truth that night backfired at ME.
We look for a spot, sat down, ordered, our usual routine. He had his bucket of beer and I had coke with dishes of pica-pica. The talk was direct and light at first. As time passes by the light conversation ended up to a heated argument. It went to a point that he was starting to hit the table, giving me the wild eyes with angry spoken words. I got so scared. I started not to speak anymore. I told myself, he is mad and he needs to express how he feels, he just needs to release the suppress feelings he has been carrying. His spoken words are the same, saying it over and over for hours. I felt I was being tortured and it was annoying at the same time. I tried so hard to keep my mouth shut. I couldn't understand what was happening and what was so wrong, why he is so mad at me. He kept on saying "understand me, star!", "Remember where I'm coming from!". I really tried hard to comprehend what he is telling me, but I couldn't. All I could think are the false accusations he is accusing me of. I wanted to escape, but he wouldn't let me. I got exhausted towards the end. We sat inside my car, he was still whinnying the same sentences he had been saying, only this time, his voice turned to be soft. My mind couldn't think anymore. I was already feeling distressed. I couldn't react as much as I wanted, only through tears. Then he began to touch my head, caressing my forehead and kissed me three times on the cheek. I told him to let me go cause I want to go home. He eventually did, even nice, he offered to drive me and would commute back to fort to get his car. I declined to his offere. I needed to escape from what he was doing to me. When we were parting our ways, he pulled me and gave me a hug. He went out of my car and I drove off.
Now, all I could think about since I woke up this morning is "how can I make it all better?". Guilt falls into me. I made him like this. He asked me to let him protect himself. I couldn't understand that before. Today, I think, I'm starting too. He wants to protect himself from me. He new that when the feelings starts to be stronger, he will turn out to be weak. Exactly the same thing to me. I was avoiding cause I don't want to feel hurt. Yet without even realizing it,I fell in love with him too...
Sunday, January 12, 2014
What's that? Heartaches and mistakes? Look at the mess that we created? What's that?
I woke up today feeling so tired, restless.. You were the first thing on my mind.. Conversation from last night slowly flowing in my thoughts.. I'm thinking, is this how it's supposed to be? I knew from the time the arguments was starting, it's setting its place, something is broken.. I kept on thinking, analyzing, laying the pices of the puzzle, mapping it out.. Then I realized, I broke my rule, bend it without thinking and reflecting..
Last night was a mirror, a mirror of the consequence that I am forced to be facing.. I was feeling so happy and I guess, at some point, my feet needs to be back on the ground. I guess that's why they say that happiness is a temporary thing in the world, unless acceptance sets to place. Happiness is borrowed time.. Can't be happy all the time right? Something should come and exist to keep things balance..
I'm not fully decided on what I want to happen, I'm always scared to make decision.. When it comes to matters of life, it's so difficult to be facing ultimatums and finalization.. But then again, it's harder to be in between, floating, hanging, it's torture.. Emotional inflicting pain especially to someone who thinks a lot, always expecting the worst..
So, while waiting for the future to happen, my thoughts are left with this sentiments;
I feel these four walls are closing in, my face up against the glass, I'm looking out.
Is this my life I'm wondering, it happens to fast..
How do I turn things around? Is this the bed I chose to make?
Wide open spaces far away...
(Sight)
All I want is the wind in my face..
To face the fear but, not feel scared..
Monday, October 28, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Tonight I will attempt to write an obituary for my dear friend Kitty.
Kitty was a awesome friend. A clever person, full of energy that will take you drunk without having a bottle of beer. I've known Kitty since after my birthday. We meet over a random chat. I couldn't remember exactly how we started, but I remember the night I exchanged numbers with him. I spent that night with my friends and Mom at Bacrino, atc. Since then, we always had been texting. It was good. A routine that I find it hard to let go.
I met Kitty in person at City Golf, Ortigas. The memorable experienced was at the parking lot. Second time I met with Kitty, was at this cafe at Connecticut street named Torched. Another memorable experienced at the car park, where I learned that my driver's license was not in my purse, and that night - I was totally freaked out. Last (I hope not the least) was at PP. He invited me to watch a movie. It was a boring movie experience called "gravity". Then we transfered to Grilla Bar and to this place near Pasay City. That night was a great fun night. A night that will always be remembered.
Six day ago and tonight, things were not the same for me. I've been channeling my frustrations to him. Well, at least that what he said, and it woke me up to my senses. Tonight, I will try to mourn Kitty's death, until I am back to my normal health (literally) and self. I will sure miss the "Goodmornings" and "Goodnights" kisses from Kitty. I'll definitely miss texting from the time my eyes open till they fall a asleep. Sure, I love my routine, but I also love not feeling hurt or sad by the person who keeps my iPhone busy for me and makes my globe bill sky high. I'll miss sharing my thought and our odd witty conversations that really makes me laugh or smile the almost the whole time. I'll miss getting freak out and spooked by Kitty. He makes me feel intoxicated, like I belong to the clouds with the sun, moon, and stars. It was a great feeling that tonight those feelings will turn into tears.Wherever you are Kitty. Always be safe, drown your self moderately, and the most important of all, be happy... And I hope you will not forget about me, your shining Star.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
I'm am down with some viral that I don't know when I exactly got it. Doctor said its because of my low immune system. I've started drinking my meds last Monday, 7th of October. I'm off the weather. I've been homebound for days. My fever started to subside 2 days ago. I'm up most of the time and I'm freaking bored. I don't know what home buddy do. All I could think of are my dresses, my new dresses that I've been wanting to wear, accessorized, fix my hair nicely and wear my chucks. I want to be with my friend and hangout. I want my routine back badly. I want to have dinner with my freinds and hang out have desserts or coffee, watch movies, talk about anything. Staying home without any fever is driving me nuts. I wish i have the fever (not the body pains).. So that I would be asleep the whole time and not think about stuff that been happening to my life right now, I tend to be pessimistic towards others. What can I say, I'm a happy girl, when I'm out and wearing my clothes, shoes, bracelets. Happy girl, when I'm productive and keeping myself busy with the stuff that interest me. Oh I don't know what to do yet.
Side Track...
I was told by a friend that I am channeling my frustrations on him and he doesn't know what to do with it. That made me realized that I am feeling annoyed. Since I'm not doing anything, I tend to wait for him to text me back. This is not good at all. I feel I'm a parasite. I do not exploit people. I am not that kind of person. What the HELL is this virus doing to me? I was having a fun time with this friend and things are great between us. I was in a happy place. Oh I want to go back to being happy and not feeling frustrated. I'm thinking of how to divert my attention to whom or what. For a sick girl, I should be feeling tired, weary, exhausted. Its been two days that I couldn't sleep at night because of my itchy rashes that the viral is causing. Plus, I just learned that Advil is the meds thats making my tummy painful. Good thing, Ive realized that after 3 days. I'm on a different type of medication today, as the Doctor suggested.
I'm not having dinner with my family tonight. I'm going take this frustrations to sleep. Hoping that when I wake up, I'll feel much more better and that my friend will still be there waiting for me..
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