Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Denial. For the last 8 months, I was in that state.. 

4 dead end relationships... I think, 5 might be on the way...

My last one lasted for 5 years, took me the same time to fully get over him. I even buried the thought of looking for love after the years, the effort of forgetting - how pain feels like, memories of hardships that didn't pay off at the end. Then, last night I realized that I'm in one.

I was pretending that it was only for fun, no harm can be done.. Now, I'm finding out-  I'm so dead wrong. 

Good Earth and Parking lot at Fort Strip is where it all happened.. But before that, I was at Figaro, waiting and thinking what will be the outcome.. Thinking, how can I prove something that is claimed to be true that is not? I thought of it is as long as I have the time, time before I'll face him.. I couldn't think of any answer, expect to tell the truth.. Telling the truth that night backfired at ME.

We look for a spot, sat down, ordered, our usual routine. He had his bucket of beer and I had coke with dishes of pica-pica. The talk was direct and light at first. As time passes by the light conversation ended up to a heated argument. It went to a point that he was starting to hit the table, giving me the wild eyes with angry spoken words. I got so scared. I started not to speak anymore. I told myself, he is mad and he needs to express how he feels, he just needs to release the suppress feelings he has been carrying. His spoken words are the same, saying it over and over for hours. I felt I was being tortured and it was annoying at the same time. I tried so hard to keep my mouth shut. I couldn't understand what was happening and what was so wrong, why he is so mad at me. He kept on saying "understand me, star!", "Remember where I'm coming from!". I really tried hard to comprehend what he is telling me, but I couldn't. All I could think are the false accusations he is accusing me of. I wanted to escape, but he wouldn't let me. I got exhausted towards the end. We sat inside my car, he was still whinnying the same sentences he had been saying, only this time, his voice turned to be soft. My mind couldn't think anymore. I was already feeling distressed. I couldn't react as much as I wanted, only through tears. Then he began to touch my head, caressing my forehead and kissed me three times on the cheek. I told him to let me go cause I want to go home. He eventually did, even nice, he offered to drive me and would commute back to fort to get his car. I declined to his offere. I needed to escape from what he was doing to me. When we were parting our ways, he pulled me and gave me a hug. He went out of my car and I drove off.

Now, all I could think about since I woke up this morning is "how can I make it all better?". Guilt falls into me. I made him like this. He asked me to let him protect himself. I couldn't understand that before. Today, I think, I'm starting too. He wants to protect himself from me. He new that when the feelings starts to be stronger, he will turn out to be weak. Exactly the same thing to me. I was avoiding cause I don't want to feel hurt. Yet without even realizing it,I fell in love with him too...

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Love Life


La la-la-la-la-la-la-la Love Life....

What's that? Heartaches and mistakes? Look at the mess that we created? What's that?


I woke up today feeling so tired, restless.. You were the first thing on my mind.. Conversation from last night slowly flowing in my thoughts.. I'm thinking, is this how it's supposed to be? I knew from the time the arguments was starting, it's setting its place, something is broken.. I kept on thinking, analyzing, laying the pices of the puzzle, mapping it out.. Then I realized, I broke my rule, bend it without thinking and reflecting.. 


Last night was a mirror, a mirror of the consequence that I am forced to be facing.. I was feeling so happy and I guess, at some point, my feet needs to be back on the ground. I guess that's why they say that happiness is a temporary thing in the world, unless acceptance sets to place. Happiness is borrowed time.. Can't be happy all the time right? Something should come and exist to keep things balance..


I'm not fully decided on what I want to happen, I'm always scared to make decision.. When it comes to matters of life, it's so difficult to be facing ultimatums and finalization.. But then again, it's harder to be in between, floating, hanging, it's torture.. Emotional inflicting pain especially to someone who thinks a lot, always expecting the worst.. 


So, while waiting for the future to happen, my thoughts are left with this sentiments;



I feel these four walls are closing in, my face up against the glass, I'm looking out.
Is this my life I'm wondering, it happens to fast..
How do I turn things around? Is this the bed I chose to make?
Wide open spaces far away... 

(Sight)

All I want is the wind in my face..
To face the fear but, not feel scared..

 

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